My Mind Is A Rollercoaster and I’m Just Along for The Ride…A Day in The Life of a Complex Mind

My mind is like a maze, misleading and mesmerizing

Thoughts that once seemed so understandable, are now a blur

One minute you know exactly where you’re going, the next, nothing around you seems to make sense

Not realizing that what now doesn’t make sense is exactly what needs to be left behind

At times, these thoughts could kill

But at times, these thoughts could save

Happiness, sadness, anger, and fear; A day in the life of a complex mind

An emotional recipe for both disaster and inspiration

Climbing through the darkest thoughts

Spiraling down in to the bottomless pit I know as my mind

Then suddenly, it happens; something clicks

The flame that once flickered so frantically is now steady, I can breathe

Drowning in laughter, pure euphoria

With a smile as big as the sun

Emotions so strong, and feelings so passionate

These thoughts could move mountains

Being human is strange; being human is beautiful

When the mind is allowed to experience every emotion, that is what it means to be alive

10 Tips on How to Love Yourself

Could use some work, but this is an English assignment I did.

10 Tips on How to Love Yourself

Loving yourself is a very powerful thing to master. I use the term master because it is something that everybody has struggled with at one point in time, and it is very hard to conquer. Here are some tips on how to overcome the struggle. These are things that have helped me truly appreciate and love who I am today, and even who I was before.

  1. Be able to love your own company – being able to have fun with yourself and not go absolutely stir crazy from being bored and alone is an awesome feeling. Whether you can just sit there and make funny noises, dance around the house while vacuuming, or binge watching your favorite TV show; being alone is great! Not having to rely on people to entertain you can be powerful. So pick up a book or learn how to build something, you’ll be happy you did! And chances are you won’t find yourself being as bored
  2. Accept who you are in every way possible – accepting yourself for everything you are is key in self appreciation. Accept your flaws; accept your quirks. They all matter because they all make up the person you are. At times we get frustrated or embarrassed with the things we do or how we act. Don’t. Unless it is something that is mean or deceiving, or something you truly are trying to change. Most of the time though, it’s just you being you!
  3. Have confidence – self-doubt can get in the way so easily, can’t it? Even if you know the answer to something or you know exactly what you want to do; sometimes there’s that little voice saying “but do you?” or “but can you really?” Confidence can be hard to find, but I encourage everybody to try. It shines through the way you talk, the way you walk, and the effort you put into everyday life.
  4. Treat yourself – now this is something everybody needs to become comfortable with! And no this doesn’t mean go ahead and become selfish. It means for once do something for yourself without thinking of anybody else. Sounds easy, right? You’d be surprised, especially if you’re a loving and giving person. We get so caught up with life, helping others, and making people happy; which is fine! But what about you? So next time you have the opportunity, treat yourself! Get that food you’ve been craving, go buy that extra tool that you don’t need; go ahead and make that nail appointment! Everyone deserves a chance to take care of themselves.
  5. Know your worth – how many times do we catch of ourselves thinking things like “I’m not good enough.” It happens, we’re human. But how many times do we say “you CAN do this”, or “you deserve to be happy.” Knowing your self-worth is very vital to all aspects of being happy with yourself.
  6. Find something that you love to do, and do it! – Passion, skill, talent; we all have something that these words apply to. You may not know what it is yet, but it’s there. When you find a hobby or job that you absolutely enjoy, you really start to become in tune with who you are. It opens up a whole world inside yourself that you didn’t even know you were capable of doing. Taking a random class at your park district or trying something your friend suggested to you is sometimes all it takes. This is why trying new things in life is so important, you learn so much about your ability when you open your mind to the possibilities.
  7. Be proud – having pride in what you do or how you act can bring you a genuine feeling of self-appreciation. Knowing that because of your efforts that project got done, or because of you sticking behind something you believed in, you conquered it.
  8. Stop insulting and comparing yourself – you’re amazing! Say it with me, A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! Unfortunately, we don’t tell ourselves this enough. How many times do you look in the mirror and ridicule yourself? Physically, mentally, even emotionally, we do it every day. In this day and age society is such a cruel environment. Between TV and magazines telling you how to look and what’s “attractive”, we can get pretty confused. Even if we feel beautiful or attractive, we don’t see it when we look in the mirror. But I’ll tell you this, you’re fine! If you’re healthy and happy you should feel great! So do it. I challenge you. Next time you go to compare yourself to some photo shopped celebrity or insult yourself in the mirror, take a step back and compliment yourself. Remember, you’re amazing just the way you are.
  9. Be true to yourself (no lying!) – It’s too often in this day and age that we catch people or even ourselves pretending to be somebody we’re not. This is such a cruel act to commit because on the path of attempting to be somebody else, you take the chance of losing who you are. If you like something, then like it! Just because it’s not the “in” thing doesn’t mean it’s not okay. Enjoy who you are and what you like because in the end that is what you can always count on.
  10. Set goals and meet them – what’s better than checking off items on your to-do list? Or telling yourself you will get something done and actually doing it. It is always a rewarding feeling, even if it is just doing the dishes. Big or small, short or long term, goals matter. When you have a visible list of what needs to be done there is a bigger chance of accomplishing it. And as human beings, being productive is a huge stress reliever and confidence booster!

The Girl that I Used to Be, and The Woman I Have Become

The girl that I used to be didn’t care about anything, truly not much at all.

A soulless and broken being who was just looking to not feel pain.

Such angst and sorrow, craving to feel anything different than the everyday struggle.

A girl who didn’t think she’d live long enough to see the age of 17. Stuck in her pain, stuck in her anger. Everyday was a dance with the devil, and she loved every second of it.

She craved happiness, but didn’t think she deserved it. Being alone was what she did best, and man did she do it well.

Eventually things became too hard, she was breaking; more than she had ever before.

Then something happened. She met him and they were instantly hooked. He kissed her scars and dried her tears. Slowly he started to save her. He pulled her away from the devil inside of her. It was a fight, one that he didn’t know he could help her win, but he did.

The woman I have become is fearless and ambitious.

She had found herself somewhere between recovery and the will to conquer.

To conquer herself was what she had been waiting for. To have the strength to not give in, to no longer dance with the devil.

Her pain replaced with hope. Knowing that even the pain she feels now, can be overcome.

She loves herself now, even when she’s at her worst. The want to succeed has beaten the want to give up.

The woman I have become now looks forward to the future, her goals and achievements overwhelm her with pride.

She is exactly who she is supposed to be. She is happy.

Journal entry: a dark place

So bare with me on this one. I typed this journal entry on my phone earlier and I was in a dark place this morning. I’ll mention now that this entry talks about “self-harm” and addiction. So here it is, my thoughts on a platter, raw and deep.

Well….I wish I brought my journal with me but I guess I couldn’t really write in a bumpy car anyhow. Me trav and rob are on our way to bass pro shop. I was going to stay home, watch a funny movie then a horror film while eating red velvet chocolate I got from target. But…this is the healthier choice for me, especially with how my mood is today. It would be in my best interest to not sit alone with my thoughts. Ugh but honestly my urge to cut and get fucked up lately is high, the cutting more so though. It’s probably bc it’s almost February, and the fact that I think about cutting almost daily too, it can get extremely overwhelming…I’ve always known addiction, but being a recovering addict, even for a few years, is so much different…yet so the same. It’s hard to describe. I still love the things that were once so bad for me, but I see and know how strong I am without it. I know what i need to do versus what i want to do. I didn’t come this far to let my demons win. That’s not what my mom, or anybody that loves me would want either. Fighting with oneself mentally can be so tiring, but these are the times that make me stronger. I’ve always known strength, but what if one day I break from the pressure of being strong? It happens, and is very plausible. So what then? I’ll just buck up, I’ll smile, and I’ll try my hardest to overcome what’s next. I’ve learned one can’t be strong all the time though, I just hope I won’t relapse if that day comes. But if I did, hopefully that would be my lesson learned and I’ll truly realize I don’t want that back in my life. I’m so grateful for robbie, he’s always so good at handling me at my worst (and man has he seen me at my worse more than anybody) and making sure I’m okay, he helps me fight these demons. He helps me fight to be who I truly am, and not the deranged psycho part of me either. Fuck, I’m just struggling today man…I couldn’t imagine being home alone right now, ad am so glad I decided to go with them. I’m glad all of the therapy and rehab I’ve gone through has made such an impact. Between that and me being logical I am able to take myself out of these unhealthy and tempting situations I could so easily submit to.