Journal entry: a dark place

So bare with me on this one. I typed this journal entry on my phone earlier and I was in a dark place this morning. I’ll mention now that this entry talks about “self-harm” and addiction. So here it is, my thoughts on a platter, raw and deep.

Well….I wish I brought my journal with me but I guess I couldn’t really write in a bumpy car anyhow. Me trav and rob are on our way to bass pro shop. I was going to stay home, watch a funny movie then a horror film while eating red velvet chocolate I got from target. But…this is the healthier choice for me, especially with how my mood is today. It would be in my best interest to not sit alone with my thoughts. Ugh but honestly my urge to cut and get fucked up lately is high, the cutting more so though. It’s probably bc it’s almost February, and the fact that I think about cutting almost daily too, it can get extremely overwhelming…I’ve always known addiction, but being a recovering addict, even for a few years, is so much different…yet so the same. It’s hard to describe. I still love the things that were once so bad for me, but I see and know how strong I am without it. I know what i need to do versus what i want to do. I didn’t come this far to let my demons win. That’s not what my mom, or anybody that loves me would want either. Fighting with oneself mentally can be so tiring, but these are the times that make me stronger. I’ve always known strength, but what if one day I break from the pressure of being strong? It happens, and is very plausible. So what then? I’ll just buck up, I’ll smile, and I’ll try my hardest to overcome what’s next. I’ve learned one can’t be strong all the time though, I just hope I won’t relapse if that day comes. But if I did, hopefully that would be my lesson learned and I’ll truly realize I don’t want that back in my life. I’m so grateful for robbie, he’s always so good at handling me at my worst (and man has he seen me at my worse more than anybody) and making sure I’m okay, he helps me fight these demons. He helps me fight to be who I truly am, and not the deranged psycho part of me either. Fuck, I’m just struggling today man…I couldn’t imagine being home alone right now, ad am so glad I decided to go with them. I’m glad all of the therapy and rehab I’ve gone through has made such an impact. Between that and me being logical I am able to take myself out of these unhealthy and tempting situations I could so easily submit to.

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